San Diego's Submissive Voice

Get the F.A.Q.s

Submission Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is there something wrong with people who are interested in this?

Current psychological thinking states that BDSM is simply an alternate form of sexual expression. An interest in BDSM does not in and of itself indicate any mental health problems. This of course does not mean that all people interested in BDSM are without mental health problems, just as people not interested in BDSM can have mental health issues.

2. Is there a certain way I have to do things or things I need to engage in?

Contrary to what you may read and hear elsewhere, there is no required or optimal way for being a submissive, other than what works for you as an individual. Some people enjoy submission. Some enjoy SM play. Some enjoy both. Within all of this, there infinite levels of intensity. Some people enjoy a great deal of strong stimulation or even pain. Others like only a light spanking or no form of SM play at all. Some enjoy giving up control of significant portions of their live. Some do not wish to allow give over any control. The vital thing is to discover what works for you and to find someone compatible to do what you want to with.

3. What is protocol?

In general, protocol is defined as a code of correct conduct. Contrary to what some believe, there is no one single correct or optimal protocol for those in this lifestyle. Protocols are defined by groups that are formed, be they large organizations with thousands of members or two people in a relationship. The protocols spell out what is and is not acceptable behavior. Some groups may be very “protocol oriented”, meaning they have many complex rules on what is and is not allowed, and how things are to be done. Gorean, Old Guard Leather, and formal training are three of the more common forms of more formalized protocols. Groups following these sorts of protocols might identify themselves as a Gorean group, or an Old Guard Leather group. It is expected when you become involved in a group that you agree to follow the protocol rules of that group. It is not uncommon for people to belong to or interact with a number of different groups all of which have different protocols. The most common rule in almost any group is do not touch that which does not belong to you without permission, be it a flogger or a person. In many groups, some form of honorific is used for Dominants, such as Sir, Daddy, etc. In some groups, submissives are not to be spoken to without their owner’s permission. It is always wise to inquire about the protocols of a group before becoming involved with that group. You can often ask an existing member what proper behavior is for that situation, and more often than not, they will be happy to assist you.

4. What are some good online sites to find more information?

Some sites on the web are great. Others are not as great. Sites that state they are describing one way to do things are usually better than sites that state they are describing the only or best way to do things. Please see our links page.

5. What are some good books I can read to find information?

We recommend: Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns, SM 101, and Slave Craft

Most SM books can be found online at amazon.com or borders.com, or at local fetish oriented book stores (The Crypt). You can also try www.GreeneryPress.com

6. What is the difference between a bottom, a submissive and a slave? What is the difference between a top, Dominant and Master? What is a switch?

A bottom is someone who has things done to them during play (a scene), most often during SM play. A bottom is the person being spanked. A top is the person doing things to the bottom or who is controlling what is being done to the bottom. A top is the person doing the spanking.

A submissive is a person who voluntarily and for their enjoyment gives over control of some aspect of their life. That control can be immediate (crawl over here now), or long term (a Dominant setting up rules in a relationship for the submissive). A Dominant is a person who takes control of a submissive. Again, that control can be immediate (go stand in the corner) or long term (from now on you are only to wear short skirts and thong panties).

The differences between a slave and submissive, and between a Dominant and Master are very frequently debated. Slaves are a subset of submissives, just as Masters are a subset of Dominants. It would be difficult to find two people who are in total agreement as far as the differences go. In general, Master/slave relationships involve 24/7 power exchange (meaning the Master is always in control), where some D/s relationships only have negotiated power exchange at certain times, and at other times the relationship reverts back to a more vanilla dynamic. In some D/s relationships, power exchange happens only in the bedroom and/or during SM play. Slaves are often described as having no limits. However some would argue that everyone has limits. In general, it is safe to assume that those in a Master/slave relationship engage in more power exchange and have fewer limits than do those involved in a Dominant/submissive relationship.

A switch is a person who at times enjoys being a top, and at other times enjoys being a bottom. Less commonly, it can refer to a person who at times enjoys being in control and at other times enjoys being controlled. It is not uncommon to find a person who is submissive to one person and dominant to another.

7. What is sub space? What is bottom space?

Many use the terms sub space and bottom space to mean the same thing. Both terms refer to an altered state of consciousness brought on by an outside stimulus. Bottom space is most often used to refer to the body’s reaction to the production of endorphins and similar chemicals in response to stress, such as a flogging or spanking. Subspace generally refers to the decrease of will, a desire to surrender to and a desire to serve someone perceived to be more powerful than the submissive.

8. What are things I can do to ensure my safety?

The key to safety is knowledge and communication. Learn as much as possible about people you are going to be come involved with before you become involved with them. Talk to people who know the person. Ask for references. One of the benefits of being active in the scene is your ability to find out about someone’s character.

Learn how to do what you want to do as safely as possible, and learn what risks you are assuming by doing what it is you wish to do. There is no correct level of risk for anyone to assume. All activities in and not in this lifestyle involve risk. You as an individual must decide for yourself what risks you are willing to take for what potential reward.

Let others know what is going on. Let them know who you are considering becoming involved with. Set up a “safe call”, where you will call a third party during the evening to let them know everything is going ok.

Communicate with your partner your limits, any health issues you might have, and anything else they might need to know before you begin.

People engage in SM activities and connect with D/s partners all the time and have no serious problems. However, every once in a while, people will end up with the wrong person or get into the wrong situation and very bad things happen to them. Make yourself aware of the risks, and consciously decide what precautions you wish to take to ensure your safety.

9. What is a good way to get started?

It is possible to form a BDSM relationship over the internet or telephone. Many people start out online. Some remain at this level only. If you are interested in venturing out and doing this with another person in the flesh, there are a few tried and true ways to meet people.

For some, privacy is a concern. These people are not for what ever reason able to be open about being in the lifestyle, and thus are not able to be active in “the scene”. Their best bet would be to try to connect with someone online on a site like alt.com or bondage.com.

The scene itself is not as scary as it may appear in your imagination. These are people with interests just like yours, most of whom have traveled the same path you are on. Local groups normally hold monthly or weekly events where new people can meet others with similar interests and where they can mingle with their friends. Two of the most non-threatening ways to meet people are munches and socials. A munch involves people getting together at a restaurant to eat, chat and mingle. A social normally occurs at a bar or coffee house, again where people can meet, drink and mingle. These events are normally held at very vanilla friendly locations to make new people more comfortable.

A great way to learn more about what it is we do is to attend workshops. Most organizations will hold workshops on a regular basis. Attending a workshop is a great way to learn about different aspects of this lifestyle and to mingle with like minded people.